


What Our Hearts Want

by Junia



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Minor Becho, Post 5x05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-05-13 11:58:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14748431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Junia/pseuds/Junia
Summary: “We haven’t really talked lately,” Bellamy said and his voice more or less forced her to look up again. “I barely see you.” It sounded like an accusation and a question at the same time.-Small drabble set roughly a week after 5x05.





	1. Chapter 1

“Are you avoiding me?”

Clarke startled when he followed the question up by sitting down next to her. Up to this point she wouldn’t have called it avoiding — it was just eating outside in the sun while certain people were in the eating area they had set up, it was working with Raven and Monty while he was discussing strategies with his sister, or checking up on Madi in the rover when everyone sat around the fire to catch some breath. It wasn’t _avoiding_ , she just happened to be busy.

So she averted her gaze from him and said, "No. I don’t know where you got that from.” It was a blatant lie obviously, but… that didn’t matter.

“We haven’t really talked lately,” Bellamy said and his voice more or less forced her to look up again. “I barely see you.” It sounded like an accusation and a question at the same time.

Swallowing, she grabbed the map on the table and stood up. This was stupid.

“We’re at war, Bellamy. Sorry I don’t have time to chit chat with you every day.”

“Clarke,” Bellamy pushed, sounding hurt all of a sudden and now she felt bad but what — what was she supposed to do? Pretend that everything’s okay even though they hadn’t seen each other in 6 years but he acted as if it had been 3 months? Tell him every thought that had crossed her mind in the last 2211 days, which would probably hurt him more than it would hurt her? Explain that it was downright insane to see him love somebody that — that had tried to kill all of them once? _This_ was the best possible way to avoid all of that, but Bellamy didn’t understand.

„Did I do something?“

„No—“

„Did — did something happen? Are you alright?“

“ _I’m fine_.”

“Then tell me what’s going on because —“

„Enough Bellamy!“ She whirled around, her heart thundering in her chest. „Do you seriously expect me to act like everything's fucking _normal_ , like I‘m eighteen again and you‘re twenty four and it‘s just—“ She waved her hand. „— _you and me_ against the world? It‘s not! You have your own family now, your own people to take care off and I have Madi. It‘s okay. This our new reality, let’s not dwell on it!“

Bellamy had stood up at some point during her rant and was now staring at her, confusion and hurt written all over his face.

It was the truth, though, wasn‘t it?

„You _are_ my family,“ he said eventually, „You and Madi.“

Clarke shook her head, huffing out a frustrated sigh. „Not like that. You had six years together. We barely had one.“

“You were _dead_.”

“I wasn’t.”

„Well, I _thought_ you were dead,“ Bellamy snapped suddenly.

„I know —“

„I had to leave you behind, Clarke. If it had been up to me I would have spend another fucking thousands years with you here but _I left you_. I spent the last six years of my life in the belief that I had left you behind to die!“

„And I radioed you every single fucking day and tried to tell you that I didn’t die,“ it burst out of her before she could really stop it. „I never wanted you to live with that burden, Bellamy. But it happened and we can’t ignore that it didn’t —“

“You radioed me?“ he interrupted her, stunned.

„It‘s nothing,“ she told him, rubbing her forehead.

“Obviously, it‘s something,“ Bellamy snapped, something aside from confusion cracking in his voice. Clarke swallowed and looked to the side, wrapping her arms around herself.

„I had a radio — I talked to you through it. It didn‘t work..“

„Atmospheric radiation, it — it must have blocked the signal —“

„I figured,“ she cut in dryly, training her eyes on the ground.

„ _Clarke_.“

„It‘s fine, Bellamy.“ Clarke shook her head, more of a sad attempt to convince herself than him. Fine wasn‘t a term she would use to describe all of this ever since the prisoners had arrived. „You had six years to accept the fact that I was dead. You made peace with it, moved on, found… love. It‘s what I hoped you would do.“

When he didn‘t say anything she raised her gaze.

„Then why aren‘t you acting fine now?“

„Because —“ The words were there, on the tip of her tongue, ready to be spoken. They had been there for six years now, ever since she had looked at him in his red space hazmat suit and then watched him walk away. „Because it‘s different,“ was what she said instead. „Because I‘m happy for you, but I can‘t — I can‘t…“

„No, Clarke. Don‘t do this to me right now, I just got you back from the dead, please —“ He caught her hand, held on to it tightly but she flinched when she felt his familiar touch. It was the first time he had touched her since she found out… about them. Had seen them.

He noticed her reaction, and his frown only deepened when she yanked her hand away. “Don’t do that,” Clarke whispered.

“Do what?” Bellamy demanded, taking a step closer, invading her personal space now, which wasn’t anything new, really, they used to be be like this all the time, except now — now it wasn’t ok. It wasn’t normal.

“ _That_ ,” she spat before stepping backwards and taking a deep breath. “Stop _touching_ me, or _looking at me like that_ , Bellamy. You can’t do this. Not anymore.”

And finally understanding dawned across his feature, his eyes widening as he took an automatic step back, shocked by the realization. But why was he surprised? He shouldn’t be, not after everything, and yet. He looked fucking traumatized.

“Clarke…”

“And stop saying my name like that!”

His brow twitched upwards, a shadow of amusement ghosting across his face which was just the tip of the iceberg. It pissed her the fuck off.

“I can’t look at you, can’t touch you, can’t even say your name. What _am_ I allowed to do?”

Her jaw clenched as she glared at him. “You're allowed to leave this conversation, forget about it.”

“You know I can’t do that,” he murmured, shaking his head.

„And I can‘t be the person anymore I was six years ago with you,“ she muttered. „You‘ve moved on, so should I.“ Clarke saw that he didn’t agree with her, his mouth opening to protest but she was faster. „I thought we would finally have —“ she shook her head, almost laughing at herself. “— a chance,” she finished quietly. “I was wrong. Now, what does your heart say about that, Bellamy?“

And it took him too long to answer, if he planned to answer at all. So she turned around, left the broken building and hastily wiped at her eyes where hot tears were threatening to break out.

She knew what her heart said, what it begged, screamed and pleaded for. It was Bellamy’s that didn’t.


	2. Chapter 2

“ _Fuck_.”

There was smoke puffing out of the rover and Bellamy couldn’t figure out what was wrong with it despite his hopeless attempts for the last fifteen minutes. It wouldn’t be a problem if Raven was here, since she had actually _built_  it, but she wasn’t. Instead she was still a prisoner with Murphy. And god knows what Diyoza and that other psychopath were doing with them. It wouldn’t be a problem either if Clarke was _talking_ to him, but she wasn't… which left him with smoke. A shit ton of smoke and nothing to go on with. 

“It happens sometimes,” suddenly a voice said behind him and he turned around to see Madi giving him a friendly smile. She pointed at the exhaust pipe. “It’s all the sand here that clogs the pipe. Clarke told me it used to happen when she was trying to get into the bunker.”

Well, here he was, listening to a twelve year old girl explaining the rover to him. It made sense, though. Madi had spent her entire life on the ground, and half of it with Clarke. Bellamy only had one year down here… and with her. Another part of his brain caught on a different information, though.

“Clarke tried to get into the bunker?” She hadn’t told him that.

Madi nodded before she sat down next to him in the back of the rover. “Before she found Eden she tried to get into the bunker, to her mom.” The thought of Clarke trying to dig her way in through all that rubble made his heart clench tightly in his chest. He shook it off and looked at Madi.

“If she had managed to get into the bunker, she wouldn’t have found you,” he told her. Some part of him felt better when he heard himself say it, but not enough to fade past the dull feeling of guilt that had etched its way into his bones in the last six years.

The girl’s eyes lit up at that and she practically beamed at him when she said her next words. “That’s what Clarke always used to say when she talked about you leaving without her.” To her it probably didn’t mean that much, but Bellamy had to suck in a breath when he heard that. It was still an open wound, a terrible choice and he — _breathe, Blake_. Clarke was alive and well, and for now that was all that mattered (even though he had still left her behind on a dead planet, even though she probably hated him now.) “I think it was fate,” Madi rambled on, excited. “Every choice she made has led Clarke to find me. I would have never survived without her.”

Bellamy let out a sigh before forcing out a smile. “I’m glad you two had each other. Maybe you’re right and it’s really fate.” Fate was a cruel, backstabbing bastard, but she didn’t need to hear that part.

“I’m glad about that, too, but Clarke also had you, you know. And I did, too, even though I had never met you then.”

He raised a surprised eyebrow. “Me?”

“The radio calls,” Madi explained. “Clarke talked to you everyday. Sometimes she allowed me to talk to you, too. It felt like you were with us, so it never got boring.”

 _The radio calls._ When Clarke had yelled out that she had been radioing him over the past six years, Bellamy was obviously surprised, but the fight — the things she had told him had distracted him from thinking about Clarke talking to him every single day. _For six years._

“Every day,” he murmured under his breath, still stunned.

“Uh-uh, sometimes twice a day.” Bellamy had to smile. “That was a little over the top, if you ask me,” Madi said with a grin and elbowed him. For a grounder kid she pretty much behaved like a sky person. Overall, she reminded him a lot of Clarke, from the way her shameless grin stretched around her mouth to the wistful look in her eyes when she talked.

“I’m sorry, did the radio calls bore you?”

“No, but Clarke always gets carried away talking about you, or to you. You don’t know how many times dinner was late because of that.”

Something in his chest fluttered, made his whole body shudder for a moment. He got a grip, though, and gave the girl a smirk.

“Now I’m here, you won't be hungry again.”

“Yeah,” Madi said with a nod before her grin shifted into a curious expression. “She did tell you about it, didn’t she?”

“Well, yeah but — just not that much, that’s all.”

There was a moment of silence, and she had that look as if she was debating whether to say something or not. She did. “You don’t talk as much as I thought you would, you and Clarke. But you’re best friends…”

“It’s —" Yeah, that was a good question. Bellamy took a breath, searching for words before giving up with a sigh. “It’s a little complicated. We are still friends, of course, but… a lot of things have changed.”

Madi gave him a look that he could only interpret as scolding. “I _saw_ that.” Bellamy didn’t really want to know what or _who_ she was referring to, not having it in him today to argue about this with a kid. “Clarke never changed,” she then said and turned her face to the ash and dust that had remained of Polis. “She still feels the same way she did when she first told me about you guys.”

Yeah… he got that.

“I have to go now, I told Clarke I will only get a blanket,” Madi eventually told him when neither of them said anything. She jumped of the hood and walked a few steps before turning back to him. “I don’t think you’re completely changed either, Bellamy. You’re still the same boy Clarke talked to everyday.”

 

* * *

 

He didn't think it was possible but things took an even bigger turn for the worse. 

Diyoza came and offered ceasefire, even gave them a couple of boxes of rations and medicine. She told people that they were welcome to join them in Shallow Valley as long as they swore fealty to her, and not Bloodreina. His sister didn't like it. 

People got killed, blood was shed — so much unnecessary killing. 

And then suddenly Gaia started cornering Madi, trying to convince her to join her lessons about the Heda line and Clarke snapped. Even though she wasn't really talking to him, he still found out through Monty and Harper. They told him how scared she was for her safety, that she felt like Wonkru was a horrible environment for a child. She was right, obviously, but what choice did they have?

 

His sister was leading a freaking gladiator cult and she was not only ready to march all of them into certain death, but also to kill anyone who dared to cross her path — including him. A group of murdering and terrorist prisoners were occupying the only living valley on earth. And Clarke — she had told him that she… she had told him that she couldn’t do it, whatever it was, and eventually he came to the realization that Clarke thought they had another choice, another way out of Wonkru.

Every cell in his body was screaming to beg her to stay with him. But all he could do was watch because he had grown, and used his head, and he had made a promise. A promise that nothing would change.

All of it had already changed the second they had stepped foot on the ground, though.

And Bellamy was confused.

He was in his tent, looking at his backpack with a deep frown on his forehead when he heard it flap, someone coming on. For a moment there was silence.

“Are we going somewhere I don’t know of yet?” Echo’s voice asked him.

Bellamy closed his eyes, and sighed. “No. Yes? I don’t know.”

He felt her come closer until he felt her hand on his back. “Bellamy, we’ve talked about this,” she reminded him. “Your sister will kill anyone who takes Diyoza’s offer. I doubt she will make an exception, even for you.”

“I know that,” he said, tired. “It’s just — I can’t let —"

“ — Clarke go?” she finished for him.

“Yeah…”

Echo pushed herself to his side so that he would look at her. “Clarke needs to bring Madi to safety. And with that fleimkepa, the safer place is their home. They’ll be ok.”

Bellamy tried to nod, tried to pretend like this stilled the knot in his guts, but he didn’t feel better and Echo probably saw that. Maybe she saw even more than that because her brows knitted into a frown before something like understanding flickered across her face and she took a step back.

“It’s not about her safety, though, is it?”

Swallowing, he reached out a hand. “Echo —”

“No, Bellamy,” she said rather sharply. “It’s not about Clarke’s safety. Am I right?”

“It is, just not all of it…” He scrubbed a hand across his face before looking at Echo. “I just got her back, ok? I thought she was dead all this time, I —”

“You love her,” Echo said bluntly, making him snap his mouth shut in surprise. Echo was smart, she was a former spy, and Bellamy wasn’t stupid either, but he — he had accepted her death, he had lived with it, had tried to let the wound in the shape of Clarke Griffin heal before he allowed himself to feel again. And he did, he felt. And she had been dead, and —

Still. All of that didn’t change the fact that Bellamy did love her, more than anything. Echo was right.

“Yes,” he admitted, saying it out loud for the first time. “But I — I love you, too.”

Slowly Echo gave him a nod, an unusual sadness in her eyes. “You loved Clarke before, and now she is back. I understand, Bellamy. It’s different — ”

“But I made a promise,” he said, stepping closer. Echo’s stiff posture made him halt in his steps, though, as he came to a painful realization. “And I can’t keep it,” he finished for himself, looking at the ground.

“No, you can’t.”

“I’m so sorry —”

“I understand.” He saw her swallow, and clearly it wasn’t as easy for her as she made it out to be. “Some people are destined for each other. Not even death can separate you two.”

No, not even death.

“I wish I...” He shook his head, none of his words feeling right. “This isn’t what I had planned for. And you deserve someone who doesn’t have other feelings, Echo, you really do.”

For the first time today, she offered him a small smile. “I know. Now you should go and find her, Bellamy, before it’s too late.”

“Right,” he said with a gulp and gave her one last look before walking out of the tent. He had not the slightest idea what he would say to Clarke, but maybe if he let his heart guide him again, it would show him the way.

Clarke wasn’t gone yet when he stormed into her tent. (He thanked the gods later that night.)

“Madi —” she had started, but fell silent when she turned around and saw him, staring at her, breathless. Her brows furrowed. “What are you doing here?”

“You’re leaving,” he stated.

Clarke’s jaw clenched before she turned back to her shuffle bag and started arranging clothes. “I’m not going to explain myself to you. This is about Madi’s safety, Bellamy, and you know damn well that this isn’t a safe place for her.”

“I’m not arguing.”

Her back froze for a second. “You aren’t?” she asked and looked at him.

“No, you have to go,” he said, and let out a groan a moment later. “I mean, I don’t want you to go, believe me I wish you’d stay, but I know that you can’t. It’s the best for now, I see that.”

Clarke nodded slowly. It looked like she was trying to read behind the lines, understand what exactly was behind his rambling. Her voice was quiet and unsure when she asked, “Then why are you here?”

“Because —” he took a step closer, and reached out a hand. It physically hurt when she flinched away. “Because I don’t want you to be like that anymore.”

“Bellamy,” she sighed, looking away. “I told you —”

“Yeah, you told me you can’t do it anymore,” he pushed. “Because of Echo?”

Her eyes widened a little and he saw her swallow as she avoided looking at him, letting him see the pain there. “I, uh, no, it’s not —”

“Yeah, that’s how it felt watching you with Finn, or Lexa.”

Finally Clarke raised her gaze, surprised. “ _What_?”

“I watched you love other people,” he told her, some of his old bitterness resurfacing at the memories. Not because she loved other people, but because at the time it had been more than about love. It had been about them, and long ago time ago Clarke had left him. “And I still never stopped loving you.”

There. He had said it. He had told her.

Clarke blinked several times before furrowing her brows and shaking her head. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying please don’t give up on me, Clarke.”

"Like I would ever give up on you?"

"Good, because I'm not giving up on you either, I —"

She shoot him a painful-ridden look and held up her hand. “ _Don't._ You’re with Echo.”

“It’s over.”

Clarke’s jaw twitched as she regarded him. “I don’t wanna be the other woman, Bellamy.”

“You’re not,” he breathed and raised his hand to touch her cheek. She didn’t flinch away this time so he placed a hand on her face, smiling because of how soft and familiar her skin felt under his touch. “You could never be the other woman, Clarke. It’s you — it’s always been you, and even though I was with her… it never changed how I feel about you. You’re it for me, Clarke, always were.”

And she did something he didn’t expect. Clarke let out watery breath before placing her own hand on the spot he was touching her. "But I'm leaving," she whispered through tears. “And you’re staying.”

“I know."

"I waited 2201 days for you."

"I know," he repeated.

"Why — why does this keep happening then, Bellamy? Why do we have such a bad timing? Why —" Her voice gave in out of frustration, and he had to watch her face crumple in anger and sadness. "I loved you for so long and I never told you! And you never told me either! And now we did, but we still can't _be!_ "

"Yeah, Clarke, I'm aware," he exclaimed, feeling her frustration jump over to him now. 

"Then why aren't you angry? Why did you come here and tell me right before I leave?!"

" _Because the last time I said goodbye to you, you didn't come back!"_   It exploded out of him. "And I had to live with the fact that I never told you that I loved you! But I did, I do! And I'm not making the same mistake again!"

There was a moment of utter silence, Clarke's face stunned, and still furious, and then right in front of him as she crashed her lips down on his. He brought up his hands, cupped her face and kissed her back like it was the single most important thing he would ever do. It kind of was. It was also fast, and desperate, and it hurt so goddamn much when she pulled away again, keeping her eyes closed. 

" _I have to go."_

“We’ll find each other again,” he insisted with a gulp. “Like we always do, right?”

“Like we always do,” Clarke affirmed and forced out something like a nod.

„But be safe, _please_ , I cant — I can‘t lose you again.“

„You won‘t,“ she assured, taking his hand and squeezing. „We‘ll be safe, but the same goes for you, Bell. Octavia‘s…“

He nodded, understanding what she meant without having to hear it. His sister was heading down a dangerous path. She had already threatened to consider him an enemy — whatever that meant — but he had to at least try to talk some sense into her. The girl that made the first steps on the ground and protested so stubbornly against torturing a grounder back then had to be _somewhere_. „I‘ll try not to get killed,“ he said eventually.

„Good.“ Clarke sighed and pulled him into a hug, her hands around his neck the most reassuring and safe feeling he had ever felt. „We will meet again.“

„I‘ll make sure of that,“ Bellamy whispered.

He would do whatever it takes to find her whether it was crossing space, an army of grounders, or a desert. And someday perhaps they could simply _be._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you so much for all the comments and feedback on the first chapter, I was completely stunned! I'm also sorry for not replying, but I figured posting a follow up would be a better reply, right? Anyway, I hope you guys liked this just as much and I would love to hear more of your thoughts about this conclusion! 
> 
> (Somehow I feel like there could be another follow up because the ending is still angsty, buuuut I really have to work on my WIP!!!)

**Author's Note:**

> This was only angst???? I'm sorry????? 
> 
> There might be a follow up because obviously there's more to it, but I'm not sure, maybe I'll just leave it. Tell me what you think of this and of the angst we're about to get on the show! Talk to me on [tumblr](http://www.blake-madi.tumblr.com)


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